(Lexi picked out this song "Miss You" to remember Grandma)
Dear Mom -
I just cannot believe you have been gone a year. It hurts my heart to actually stop and think about it. We all miss you every day. We have had to go through many firsts without you, and those days are especially hard. I am confident that you are with us and have been with us all year in spirit, but I decided to write you a letter anyway, because it seems to help me to put my thoughts on paper.
I haven't written much since I stopped writing on the Caring Bridge site. I did write a few pages of memories. Although I don't think I will ever forget the last few months of your life, I felt the need to write some things down just in case. I think about those days a lot. Especially when it is quiet, or I am working on the computer. I will be working and all of a sudden I am gone, lost in that memory only to come back to reality with tears in my eyes. I wouldn't have done it any other way than to spend every moment I possibly could with you those last months, those last moments, but they are also the hardest days of my life. It did seem to help writing them down though. Over the year, I often think "what were we doing at this time last year?" This week has been especially painful. Although like I said, I think about those last months/weeks a lot, the closer it is getting to the anniversary date the harder it is. On Saturday I thought about how we had that party at Heather's house for everyone to get together to see you. Unfortunately the cancer was taking over and you were having a hard time, especially managing the pain and staying awake. I remember the kids coming later that afternoon and kissing you good-bye for the last time. That was so painful. I wish I would have realized you could hear us and not treated you like you were sleeping. I would have had them talk to you more. We were at your house this past weekend and when we got back and the kids were in bed Sunday night, I sat at the kitchen table and cried my eyes out thinking about that day a year ago. I went back to the Caring Bridge site and read some of the messages from that day. How did we get so blessed with friends that cared enough to send us those messages and prayers! Now a year later, how comforting they were to me. Such kind words and wonderful prayers.
Then there is that Tuesday morning, the 10th of August that you passed away. Those early morning hours when you were in pain. I tried everything they told me to do on the phone and nothing was working so they were on their way to put in a morphine drip. I was crushing pills between a spoon and putting them in your mouth trying to get them to soak into your cheeks. I was putting liquid morphine into a dropper and putting that into your cheeks as well. Nothing was soaking in and I can remember going to put the next hourly dose in and the previous hours worth of meds would still be there, resting in your cheeks. You had such a high fever and I just didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't want to lose you, but could remember begging God to come and take you because I couldn't stand to see you like this another minute. I couldn't fix you and was actually scared I would kill you with all of the high doses of meds as stupid as that sounds. I remember being shocked, mouth wide open shocked, when all of the sudden the groaning stopped and the extremely heavy breathing you had been doing for days stopped also. You opened your eyes and I knew it was the end. Rick went to get dad (who was on the phone because one of the machines stopped working) and got Heather and Jim out of bed. Your eyes slowly came down like you had been looking up and I just stared, dumbfounded. Once your eyes came into focus, you kept saying over and over...I..I...I...I...I..I and I knew you were trying to tell us one last time that you loved us. Of course these would be your last words, you told us this all the time. You would manage to get an "L" out, and then go back to the I..I..I. We all stood together and watched you slip away telling you how much we loved you. I can remember looking around the room and seeing the tears on everyone's faces. Devastated, yet relieved you were free.
I remember being outside and letting the grief and anxiety of the last 12 hours out. I was crying so hard that at one point I wondered where that sound was coming from and realized it was coming from me. I can remember going back in to see you before they took you away and immediately realizing how cool your head was compared to minutes before from that awful fever. I remember calling our friends and family and sobbing with them on the phone There are a hundred other memories from those last few days, but this is what comes to me now.
We have tried to "pay it forward" in hopes that others do not have to experience the same pain as we have. In March of last year we joined up with Deanna and Team Asenbrenner to do a Relay for Life in Shawano. It was emotional, but a good experience. The best part was that Chris S. came and did the survivor lap. She wasn't feeling well that day, but came anyway. Just like you, she was an inspiration to many. I am assuming you two have met up already. She was kind enough to let Heather, Loni and I come and see her in the hospital before she passed. I let her know your 60th birthday was coming up and to have a drink with you, which was probably Sun-Drop. :) 
Shortly after that relay, Heather signed us up for another relay in Clintonville, an overnight walk. I wasn't keen on doing another walk so soon after this walk, especially asking friends and family for money again but ended up having a great time. It was a long night for a few hours there, but we had a good time. Maggie, Lexi and Kim stuck it out with Heather and I. I can remember walking in the park (what a great place to have the walk) in those early morning hours and feeling the cool breeze on my face and just feeling so blessed and having a happy heart. Like I was supposed to be there. I remember having a little morning conversation with God and thanking him for everything he had provided for us and soon after it began to rain just a little bit and there was a beautiful rainbow. A great way to end the relay. Anyway, between the two relays we raised quite a bit of money to help aid in the research of curing cancer.
I am thankful that you at least got to meet Lexi and Will, but sure wish you could have stayed longer. They both still remember you and speak of you often. Last month we were getting ready to go up to Leopolis for the triathlon and I was in the shower and Lexi was getting ready in your bathroom. She started crying and I asked her what was wrong because she sounded so upset. She said that she was remembering you telling her every year on this day to save tootsie rolls for her from the parade and you wouldn't be there this year. She was so sad. I am grateful she is remembering, but it also makes me sad when she is sad. Pretty soon we were both crying. Can you believe Lexi is going into 4th grade? She is quite a handful. I have wanted to call you a hundred times to tell you stories about her and have you laugh and tell me she is just like me, which she is. She is getting to that "girly age" where there are many highs and lows and she cares so much what people think. Getting ready in the morning and putting on just the right outfit is a 2 hour ordeal. Luckily I don't have to do that Tuesday-Friday, Rick does, and I can tell you he is about ready to send her out the door naked he is so tired of the fighting. lol She played softball this summer and really improved by the end of the season. They had a weekend tournament and took first place, she was really excited about receiving a trophy.
Can you also believe that Will is going into kindergarten? I am going to cry like a baby when he goes. He is such a mamma's boy and I am not ready to let him go yet. I know if you were here you would be calling on the first day of school to wish them both luck and calling 2 minutes when they got out of school to see how they liked it. I miss that. He is still so funny mom, you would be laughing at the things that come out of his mouth. The other day he called Lexi a "nut job". We went to pick out school shoes this weekend for him but didn't end up coming home with anything. He didn't care what the shoes looked like or how they fit, he just wanted the silly bands or comic books that came with the shoes. So I figured I would just have him look at the shoes online so that he concentrated on the actual shoe and not what the box looked like it came in. Obviously he is still loving his super heroes.
Dad is staying busy and building the garage he was going to start before you got sick. They are pouring the concrete this week. A whole building you could have filled with flower pots and decorations! ha ha So that is going to keep him busy all fall. He is also ushering in church now and of course going to the races on the weekends and stays busy with the Legion. In the winter he will probably play cribbage with his BFF Orlie again and bowl with the crew here and there. We still visit like we used to and try to have family meals with Heather and Jim when it works out.
Heather is doing a lot better too. She got a job working with children with autism. She usually works 4 days a week and visits the children in their homes. It is nice because getting back in to the work force she isn't tied to a desk from 8-5, she can go for a half day and then come home. She is making a real effort to get healthy and strong again and you would be very proud of her.
Jim is still working for the same company and they have been working in Wisconsin for the most part, except for a few calls to Chicago for storm. Still the same smarty pants he always was. Last week the kids and I were watching the last Christmas we had with you. You had just opened the T.V. for the bedroom the four of us chipped in and bought and you said something like, "You guys..you spent too much. You should take some of this back." To which Jim replied, "Well, O.K. then." Of course we all laughed. We still get to see Taylor quite a bit. She just spent the night with Lexi at your house this past weekend and she went to the cabin with us this year too. She and Lexi have a ton in common, so they get along pretty well.
Rick is still working in Green Bay (and still vying to be dad's favorite) and I am still at UPF. We have had a fun summer with the kids. Besides the cabin, we have just done local things, and have had very few weekends open. In September we will take our big Disney trip. We tease Lexi that she got to go when she was 5 and now Will gets to go because he is 5 and she has to stay home. She of course isn't having it. Kidding aside, they are very excited as are Rick and I. It is the happiest place on earth, right? I know you will be there in spirit with us watching the kids faces light up.
Your flower gardens all came back. I haven't been able to keep up with them the best, but they still look nice. We invited some of your friends and family over to take some of your flowers that we knew would love and care for them the way you did. I am leaving mine there until we are ready to build a house, but did bring back a few things to put in my small flower bed and love the peace I feel when I look at them blooming knowing they were planted and grown by you. Speaking of friends, your friends sure do miss you. I talk to Loni and Sally the most and there aren't many days when they don't miss one of the adventures you used to go on. Sally calls and checks on us every so often and waters the plant we put up at the cemetery. Such a great 2nd mom! I still spend time with Deanna too. We try to get together whenever I am up, even if just for a walk. I still touch base with Barb and Lori too. Love those girls..so funny. They still feel your absence at work and think of you often. Through fb I still get to talk with Pat and Bonnie too. They always tell us they are there for us if we need them. You left behind some great friends...tons I didn't even mention. I know I mentioned you meeting up with Chris, have you found Vern yet? He left us shortly after you did. One of the nicest men we ever met. I bet he greeted you with, "Hey Schmidt, how are ya?" Grandma is still having a hard time, and I know all of your brothers and sisters (and families) and dad's brothers and sisters miss you as well.
Well I see this is getting pretty lengthy. I just wanted you to know (like there was a doubt) how much I missed you and how much you mean to us. I just said to someone last week, they say it gets easier, but it sure has been a tough year. Your flower gardens came back, your glasses are still on the bathroom sink, your shoes still by the door. Everything there except for you. It was like when the snow melted I expected you to come back in the spring just like everything else and of course that was not the case. I think the year mark may cross a line of reality for me.
I cried a lot writing this, but do feel better after putting my feelings on paper as usual. It is hard to move on, yet it is hard to be sad all of the time too. It takes its toll. I almost feel guilty if I go a few weeks without grieving..silly I know. Just know I will always love you. Please keep watch over all of us and put in a good word with God to keep us healthy and safe. He is probably irritated with me because when I pray I always end it with, "please give my mom a hug for me."
I picture him having to trek over to your castle everyday and make his way through all of your flower gardens, past all your bird feeders just to give you a big hug from me. ha ha
All my love -
Melissa
This is a video link I had uploaded to You Tube this past winter. It is horrible taping as I taped a video off a video for a friend. I went back to watch it and thought I would share it.
It is of mom at my wedding in 1999.
1 comment:
The most beautiful, heartfelt tribute I have ever read. What a wonderful testimony in her memory. She will always live on in your hearts, and now in your words.
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