Dear Mom...

Remembering my mother today, who passed away two years ago. 

Dear Mom...

Remembering you today, the second anniversary of your death.  A terrible Tuesday morning I am not soon to forget.  They say it gets easier....who "they" is I am not sure, but it does to a point.  Well...not really.  I guess it does in a way, you cry less - but when you remember, your heart still hurts just as bad.  I was reading another blog a short time ago of a woman who lost her young daughter to cancer.  She mentioned that they are now down to "30 second cries."  This seems to be true with me as well.  The crying becomes less frequent and you can keep it down to 30 seconds, but still need that break down once in awhile, like over the last few weeks.  Obviously with the anniversary date, you think about it all the more.  For the most part though, we are doing well.  Everyone is healthy and we all stay very busy.

I was just telling Lexi when we were visiting the cemetery, that I tend to picture you in heaven missing us like crazy and sad that you aren't here to share in watching the kids grow up. (although I strongly believe you are with us all the time, but you know what I mean)  You were so sad that you had to leave us and of course that makes us sad too, knowing you would have done anything to stay.  But back to my story with Lexi, as I was walking her around showing Lexi her great-grandparents grave on dad's side up to her great-great-great grandparents grave, and telling her, "Imagine how many people Grandma Jeannie is getting to see again or meet for the first time!  She probably isn't lonely at all!" At one of Lexi's softball games this summer, there was a girl on Lexi's team that needed some bug spray.  Her mom didn't have any so her Grandma went to look in her car.  When she came back, I saw the Grandma walk down to the dugout and give it to the girl.  Her teammate threw her arms around her Grandma's neck and gave her a big hug, thanking her for the bug spray.  I instantly had tears flowing (thank goodness it was sunny and I was wearing glasses) thinking how unfair it was that you had to miss out on moments like those.  Same thing happens to me when I am out shopping and I see all of  the mothers and daughters together.  Always hurts a little.

I also don't allow myself to dwell quite as much on the last couple days of your life. When I have memories, they are still mostly during the time period when you were sick, but some of the more relaxed moments we shared.  Like teasing you about your hair.   I am sure I have written this before, but you were always the last one of us to get ready.  You would be on all of us to "get in the shower..get ready" when we had to be somewhere, but you always seemed to be the last one ready, asking us to help you comb the back of your hair. lol  So one day when you were sick, we had to be somewhere.  We were hurrying around getting ready and I caught you off guard by saying, "you better hurry up and get your hair done before we are late!"  It took you a split second until you said, "very funny", since all you had to do was throw on that wig of yours.  :)

I also think about us sitting out on your deck that summer.  I had taken a leave from work and was at your house 5 days and back in Neenah for 2 days.  We spent a lot of time out there, just talking and planning your funeral.  Even though we were out there writing your obituary, it was still nice to spend some one on one time.  I know I have written this before too, but I remember you asking me how I thought you would die.  I can't even imagine how you were feeling during that last month.  I am pretty sure I would want to know I was going to die as well, so I could say good-bye.  I can say that because I am not dying, but can't imagine how hard it was for you.  I remember asking you who you thought you would meet you by the gates.  You thought for a second and responded that you always thought that St. Peter met you by the gate.  I said that I thought a relative might meet you like your dad or Grandma.  In that case you thought it might be your Grandma.

On the first anniversary, the pictures we had were still somewhat recent.  Now on the second anniversary, I can see the kids changing and it becomes more apparent how much time has gone by.  We celebrated your birthday again this year with your favorite foods.  Lexi and Will had softball/baseball games, so Rick and Will had dinner together and Lexi and I had dinner together.  All of us had the hot ham'n cheese from Hardees.  lol  I was telling Jenny at the cabin, that every so often I think, I should call mom and for that split second, even after two years I forget you are gone.

The kids still remember you fondly.  Lexi likes to go through your make-up at your house.  We haven't gotten rid of anything in your bathroom, like to leave everything as spares in case we forget something when we visit.  Lexi was in there on Sunday, with all your make-up and brushes laid out on the sink, trying a little of everything.  She came out with some pretty pink cheeks and red lips.  I just smile, knowing you are loving that she is using your things and remembering you.  We also started feeding the birds this fall, can you believe it ? With all the teasing I used to give you.  They were few and far between at first, we would get all excited when one would come.  Then once the word got out, we had quite a few.  We even attracted a pair of cardinals who hatched their babies in one of our shrubs. Lexi got out the "bird book" you gave her so she could figure out the actual names of the birds coming in.  

Lexi is going into 5th grade this year and is an emotional roller coaster..ha ha..no seriously, yikes!  She has taken up piano lessons, strictly her idea.  Once she decided she liked them, we went ahead and bought a full keyboard (not cheap), and then she decided that it was too hard and she doesn't like playing anymore.  Grrr...what a fight that is every night.  I missed you when, how shall I say this, I had to shatter her childhood.  I thought she was ready, she wouldn't let things go, and when we finally sat down and talked about it over ice cream and I confessed everything, I realized she really didn't want to know and wasn't as ready as I thought.  I killed everything she ever believed in single handidly over cake batter ice cream. I really wanted to call you that night to tell someone about our conversation.  I asked her tonight what she remembers most about you.  Her answer was...that she used to call me Peanut, that she liked Sun Drop and popcorn and that she always yelled and pounded on the patio doors for the squirrels to get out of her feeders.

Will made it through his kindergarten year like a champ.  Oh he has his moments too, but for the most part he (and Lexi) made us proud after speaking to their teachers and after school teachers.  Wish they behaved like that at home!  lol  No seriously, they fight like cats and dogs most days!  He headed off to kindergarten with that Spiderman lunch box you gave him for Christmas a few years ago and I knew you were with him and he would do just fine.  You probably get to see more of the "firsts" being in heaven than here!  I also think of you when he is wearing his "Hugh" robe around the house or outside that you got him.  Makes me smile every time.  He still has things flying out of his mouth that keep us laughing, or sometimes gasping.  Dad and I were riding with him in the truck after his t-ball game.  We were enroute to Lexi's game and I was asking him about a throw that came right at him and he wasn't paying attention and got nailed in the groin area.  He said all animated..."Yeah, did you see that? I got hit right in the balls!"  Dad and I just looked at each other...I was speechless, he had never said anything like that before and our shoulders just shook trying not to look at him as he went on talking.

We did another cancer walk in Shawano this past spring. The kids and I raised $500 again to aid in the research to cure cancer.  Overall, we are having a nice summer, it has been warm (you would have LOVED it), so we have been able to go swimming quite a bit.  The kids got a pool for their birthday, but when we were up north it sprung a leak and the replacement has not arrived yet.  What a bummer with such a hot summer, they only got to use it for a month.

This past year you have probably been reunited with two people we lost here, Uncle Jaeger and Karen D.  I bet Jim is up there just a teasing everyone and getting lots of laughs.  Did you, Grandma Schmidt and Jaeger get a card game going?  Karen was another lost too soon.  I think she lost her will to fight from what I had heard.  Also, Esther Z.  She was always such a comfort while you were sick, stopping over with prayer chains and comforting gifts.

Sally and Loni still miss you lots.  They water the flowers for me at the cemetery and visit with you often.  Which, by the way, I was up there this past weekend and my pot looks like crap!  The leafy purple plant I put in took over the pot and didn't let the purple flowers grow.  Guess I will know better next year. I was at Grandma's this past weekend as well and she is of course missing you too.  We sat outside and most of your brothers and sisters (and in-laws) came over to visit with us.  We all visited while we watched my kids and Jenn's kids playing together.  How many times have we all sat outside at Grandma's whether it was at the farm, at the old house in town or her current house?  Gave me a feeling of peace, something I really needed last week and made me feel close to you visiting with them.

Well, I guess I will close here.  Know that we miss you and think of you often. There are times when I think I am becoming more and more like you (with the birds..the flowers..certain things I say) and would have been appalled, but now I take it as a compliment.  Please watch over us and keep all of us safe. 

Love - Melissa

Letter from last year
http://melissaradies.blogspot.com/2011/08/dear-mom.html