Dear Mom...

Dear Mom,

Three years….

It is said that time heals all wounds.  We certainly don't forget, but time does in fact help.  It is probably because year after you realize that there isn't a darn thing you can do to change things, so you go on living and appreciate and feel thankful for all your blessings.

We sure do miss you in this wild and crazy place.   I am to the point now in my healing/grieving where I stopped being selfish and feeling bad for myself, but now feel really bad for you that you were taken away while you were so young.  I feel like you are missing watching your grandchildren grow up and the important milestones in their lives and I feel like you were cheated on being able to enjoy your retirement after working your whole life.  On the other hand, I realize it could have been worse and I am thankful that I had a mother while growing up and am thankful for the time we did have.  I don’t want to take a day for granted and waste it. I want to enjoy the time I have with my family and friends and I am thankful that I am healthy and able to do just that.  Tomorrow isn't promised and there are so many people like you that would have given anything for another day, that they would be disappointed in the people wasting them.

I still get to steal a few moments here and there for that pity party, to grieve when the memories (bad and good) come back, but I get it out and I move on because no matter what choice I make about letting it consume me or moving on, it won’t bring you back, so I choose to enjoy life.  You certainly wouldn't want it to consume me.  The world is so full of horrible, horrible things going on that I am thankful for the blessings in my life no matter how simple.

The hardest memories come and go and aren't as frequent as the first two years and are usually brought on by a "trigger".  Example, I was driving on 47 to meet Dad in Shawano this fall to pick out new furniture.  One by one, things seem to need to be replaced at your house, so he is getting to do a little shopping. J  First it was his laptop.  Then while we were out looking at a laptop, we started looking at furniture because that one end of your couch had broken when the two of you moved it and was getting worse.  We shopped at a few stores in Appleton, and then on a Monday I met him in Shawano to look at a store there.  Since the only time I really traveled that highway was when I was driving up for one of your appointments, it tends to be a trigger spot. 

The memories come back like watching a movie in fast forward and certain spots screech to a halt and then it starts in fast forward again, screeches to a halt and then repeats over and over.  They are never usually the same memories, but always a memory of the eight months you were sick.  Dr’s Office at first appointment: I’m sorry folks I don’t have good news for you today…(fast forward)..watching you cry as we take down the Christmas tree at your house as you don’t yet know your fate and fear the worst..(fast forward)....endless treatments and seeing you bald for the first time..(fast forward)…being told you are in remission, watching your mom and aunt cry in relief..(fast forward)..getting results back just weeks later it is back and terminal…(fast forward)..taking a shopping trip together and sneaking a trip to the casino..(fast forward)…holding your hand while you sleep on your last night before you pass…(fast forward)…watching my son cry for his Grandma while she is loaded in a hearse because he can’t understand where they are taking her.  Although hard memories that make me tear up every time, they are nonetheless memories of a time we made the most of.  I hated watching you die, but I am thankful we knew and got to say good-bye and I would do it all over again. 

Of course the kids still miss you too.  We try and watch videos at least once or twice during the year (it is usually Will’s request to watch home movies).  Lexi, being the oldest, remembers more of course and it affected her a few times throughout the year.  The first I can remember was that she was hanging out with her good friend Alec in March and they were going through some shells he had saved and it got them thinking and remembering about their special times with you and Sally.  Later that night when she got home she told me about the shells and the memories and then cried for a little while.  I told her the story I always tell her when she is sad and that is, “Do you know what Grandma’s biggest fear was?” “When she was told she was going to die, she barely said a word.  I told Grandma I was sorry and hugged her and said you are really quiet, what are you thinking?  Grandma said that she was scared you wouldn’t remember her and broke down into tears.  I promised her you would remember and although it makes me sad that you are sad, it means you remember.”  Explaining that usually makes her feel better. The second time I can remember her being sad was just this spring. We were getting ready for school and I could hear her sobbing so loudly upstairs.  I went up and asked her what the matter was and she said that was looking at the pictures on the wall of the two of you and she just really missed you.  L   Again, hurts me that she is sad, but glad she is remembering. 

She reminds me of you, you would be proud.  I took her to Steins one day to get something this spring and they had out all of their summer stuff, (bird baths, water fountains, statues, flowers, etc.) and she was having the time of her life in there.  I think she could have stayed two hours just looking at everything and playing in the water fountains.  I told her, “You and Grandma Jeannie would have been two peas in a pod in this store!” She also doesn't mind flower shopping and appreciates a pretty annual. ;) She made it into the finals of the spelling bee this year and took a silver coin you had given her with “granddaughter” inscribed on it to keep in her pocket for luck.

  

For her 5th grade graduation, she also set out a necklace that you two shared and your "Jeannie" bracelet we wear to remember you.   I thought that was so sweet, so she really does remember and miss you during these milestones.  Luckily she has three awesome grandparents left love and support her as much as you did.

 Mine and Lexi’s relationship is also starting to remind me of you and I when I was younger.  She is starting to get embarrassed really easily too.  When were at Six Flags and it was getting really hot.  We went into the bathroom and she was in the stall next to mine.  She was already mad because I had asked her a different personal question and then I said out loud (as we are in different stalls), do you need to put on new deodorant at all? (not that she needed it, just thought I would ask as I saw it in my purse and it was getting hot) I hear from the other stall in a loud whisper said really fast…O..MY…GOD. I could just picture her putting her hand on her forehead and shaking her head.  I had to laugh out loud, didn’t even realize I said something that would embarrass her….and now I have become you.  Man, how I hated it when you did things like that. Lol

Those are the types of days I miss you the most, to call and share stories like that or other big events like her shaving her legs for the first time or getting braces this last week or how she got her first phone for her birthday.  Not to mention MIDDLE SCHOOL!  A whole school filled with 500 sixth graders this year.  Can’t wait to see what this year brings.

I think Will has a harder time remembering as he gets older since he was so young when you passed.  When I ask him about his favorite memories of you though he instantly gets a smile on his face and talks about whatever comes to his mind at the time.   For some reason he had a hard time this year in first grade and went through a rough patch.  He was having some anxieties over certain people and issues and was making himself sick and having to come home from school. It took awhile, but things seemed to get better as the year went on.  There were times though that I would hear from the kid’s friends that they had seen him upset and he wouldn't tell us, just try to carry the burden on his own, which made me feel so bad he wasn't always telling us when he was scared. Hoping when he starts school next month he will have a better year.

Otherwise he is doing great and enjoying his summer.  He is at the same camp as Lexi this year and just like in school, seems to be a favorite of his counselors.  You know him, hell on wheels at home, but quite the rule follower at camp and school. ;) Still loving his superheros and thankfully still a mamma's boy. :)

We had our first family photo taken for church. That was definitely felt odd not having you in the photo.  I know we had to do it sooner or later and they turned out very nice.

There were a few times over the course of the first two years you were gone that I felt I had little signs from you to let me know you were O.K.  Although I try to will them, I haven’t had any of those this year.  I try to tell myself that maybe it is your way of saying that I don’t need the signs, that you feel I am strong enough now.

I see you in myself ...sometimes when I look in the mirror I see you in my face, I see you in my hands as ours look very similar, and in my handwriting.  We remember you on special days by doing some of your favorite things and making annual traditions out of them.  On Mother’s Day or around that time, I try to do my flower shopping.  The last two years I have gone with my friends Tammy and Jenny for a girl’s day.  Of course just like you with Sally and Loni, I came home with the most flowers. ha ha  On your birthday we get a Hot Ham’n Cheese and drink a Sun Drop and at Christmas we still put up the tree you used to decorate with Lexi. 

I see I this is getting pretty lengthy again, so I will close here.  Writing these letters, just like when I wrote updates on Caring Bridge is my therapy and always makes me feel better after I finish.  Just know we love and miss you.  Please continue to watch over us and keep us all safe.

Love - Melissa

Last year's letter.
http://www.melissaradies.blogspot.com/2012/08/dear-mom.html