Dear Mom...

Dear Mom –

5 years is a long time.   

At the one year mark, looking through photos, there wasn’t a huge difference in the kids.  But 5 years, 5 years you can definitely see significant changes in the kids.  Of course I have not aged at all!  ;)  Sadly, we will never get to watch you grow older than 59.  I guess that is one good thing, you will always be young in everyone’s memory. J 

As the anniversary approaches, I find myself going back to the caring bridge site as I think about those last days. I know I have mentioned it before, but I am so grateful for that site where I can go back and read what was happening during those eight months.  I did the same thing on the one year anniversary of your death and wrote:

This week has been especially painful.  Although like I said, I think about those last months/weeks a lot, the closer it is getting to the anniversary date the harder it is.  On Saturday I thought about how we had that party at Heather's house for everyone to get together to see you.  Unfortunately the cancer was taking over and you were having a hard time, especially managing the pain and staying awake. 

On Sunday I thought about how you were barely talking anymore and you were even worse than on Saturday.  I remember in the morning how the pastor had come over.  His intention was to give you communion, but you weren't able to stay awake long enough to receive it.  You were still in the bedroom, barely awake, so he came in to see you there.  It was me, you, dad and Pastor.  After he had prayed for a few minutes, dad had to leave because the Theda Care van pulled in with your hospital bed.  I can remember you curled in the fetal position on the bed and me kneeling on the bed, holding you.  As he was praying you said to me, "I am trying to come out of it."  I said, "I know..it's O.K."  I remember after the priest was done talking we prayed above you saying the Our Father and I can remember my tears falling on you as we stood above you as I said the words.  I remember saying to you afterwards, "I love you Mom" and you responding in a sleepy state, "I love you too."  It would be the last time you talked to me.

I remember the kids coming later that afternoon and kissing you good-bye for the last time.  That was so painful.  I wish I would have realized you could hear us and not treated you like you were sleeping.  I would have had them talk to you more.  We were at your house this past weekend and when we got back and the kids were in bed Sunday night, I sat at the kitchen table and cried my eyes out thinking about that day a year ago.  I went back to the Caring Bridge site and read some of the messages from that day.  How did we get so blessed with friends that cared enough to send us those messages and prayers!  Now a year later, how comforting they were to me.  Such kind words and wonderful prayers.

Then there is that Tuesday morning, the 10th of August that you passed away.  Those early morning hours when you were in pain.  I tried everything they told me to do on the phone and nothing was working so they were on their way to put in a morphine drip.  I was crushing pills between a spoon and putting them in your mouth trying to get them to soak into your cheeks.  I was putting liquid morphine into a dropper and putting that into your cheeks as well.  Nothing was soaking in and I can remember going to put the next hourly dose in and the previous hours worth of meds would still be there, resting in your cheeks.  You had such a high fever and I just didn't know what to do anymore.  I didn't want to lose you, but could remember begging God to come and take you because I couldn't stand to see you like this another minute.  I couldn't fix you and was actually scared I would kill you with all of the high doses of meds as stupid as that sounds. 

 I remember being shocked, mouth wide open shocked, when all of the sudden the groaning stopped and the extremely heavy breathing you had been doing for days stopped also.  You opened your eyes and I knew it was the end.  Rick went to get dad (who was on the phone because one of the machines stopped working) and got Heather and Jim out of bed.  Your eyes slowly came down like you had been looking up and I just stared, dumbfounded.  Once your eyes came into focus, you kept saying over and over...I..I...I...I...I..I and I knew you were trying to tell us one last time that you loved us. Of course these would be your last words, you told us this all the time.  You would manage to get an "L" out, and then go back to the I..I..I.  We all stood together and watched you slip away telling you how much we loved you.  I can remember looking around the room and seeing the tears on everyone's faces.  Devastated, yet relieved you were free.

 I remember being outside and letting the grief and anxiety of the last 12 hours out.  I was crying so hard that at one point I wondered where that sound was coming from and realized it was coming from me.  I can remember going back in to see you before they took you away and immediately realizing how cool your head was compared to minutes before from that awful fever.  I remember calling our friends and family and sobbing with them on the phone There are a hundred other memories from those last few days, but this is what comes to me now.

Although those parts of the caring bridge book I had printed make me sad, it always seems to help me get through this anniversary.  Going back and reading the messages from our friends and family helps enormously as well.  I bet you all didn’t know after 5 years, I would still be reading those message and finding comfort in them, so thank you.  Lexi had her first glimpse of the book about 6 months ago.  She had come across it and started reading some of the entries.  I let her read a few pages and then put it away, thinking maybe another year and then I would bring it out again.  I am glad she will get to read your story, how you fought like hell right until the end.

Speaking of Lexi, she is now a teenager! 

 

 I know…scary.  I hate to jinx myself, but I think she is going to be a much better teenager than I was in regards to getting in trouble.  I know what you are thinking, it is early yet, but one can only hope! J  She is still very active in sports and soon I think she is going to be taller than me.  She likes so many of the things you enjoyed the most about the outdoors- flowers, birds, etc. that I find myself thinking how much you two would have enjoyed growing older together and spending more time together.  She recently left for a week long camp this weekend (pic above) and she was so nervous.  Both of my kids, lucky for me, are very close to us and she was having a hard time not being able to reach out to us if she was homesick or scared because they weren’t able to take their phones.  I am sure she is having an awesome time meeting new people and staying busy with all of the activities.

Will turned 9 this summer. 

 

Hard to believe the baby of the family is going into 4^th grade.  He is really into sports as well.  He is pretty shy out on those courts/fields, but he tries his best.  He had a school project that he brought home one day this year and the title of the paper was, “My Most Prized Possessions”.  One of the things he listed was, “My grandson coin is precious to be because it reminds me of my grandma that died.”  So know that although he was only four when you left, he still remembers you often. 

I wanted to share a song that Amara Otto recorded and sang.  So beautiful.  Tracy sent it to me and I was in tears picturing Amara singing it to her Grandma Mary and relating it to our situation as well.  Hopefully the link works!

Since I wrote you last we had our big trip to Disney last September.  We sure do enjoy our family trips to Florida.  There isn’t anything quite like standing with the kids watching fireworks in this magical place.  Don’t get me wrong, with the crowds and the heat, we could kill each other at times too, we aren’t the Bradys like Heather likes to call us, but there are many moments during those vacations that make me grateful. 

 

In December we lost dad’s brother Uncle Jack.  He too had cancer.  It was hard to watch his kids go through what we did.  Although Jack was older than you at 78, no matter what age it is always hard to lose a parent. You just wish you could take the pain for them since you have already been through it.

This spring we also got bad news about dad.  He went in for his normal physical in the early part of winter and his PSA level was high. So he did further testing before Christmas.  I think he was lost in the system for awhile because it took forever and amen for them to get those results and then suggest a biopsy. I went with him to get the biopsy results and found out he tested positive for prostate cancer.  Although from all the reading I did about his PSA levels in the prostate I did in the months before we got the results I could feel it in my stomach he did have it, it still didn’t make it any easier to hear those words again, “I am sorry, but it is cancer” not even 5 years after losing you.  I was a little angry.  It isn’t even me and I know how I felt hearing it, not sure how it felt for him to hear those words.  You know dad, he had on his cop face, the one that says, “well, what are you going to do?” 

Dad prepped and ready for surgery.

I hate to say it, because I don’t want to down play it, but since we have been through the fast growing cancer with you and the appointments that were life or death results, hearing that his was slow growing was a little easier to take.  The cancer was treatable and for that we are grateful.  His options were radiation, having the prostate removed or just watching it (the surgeon didn’t recommend that option).  Dad opted to have it removed and in May Dad, Heather and I went down to the VA in Milwaukee for the surgery. That was an adventure in itself.  Ha Ha  Heather and I got stuck in kind of an older/crappy hotel, but it was really close to the VA, so at least we didn’t have to drive far.  We did however stack furniture in front of the door when we went to bed.  The surgery was successful for the most part, although at the first post op appointment they did have to let us know that after the pathologist read the results it was noted that a small part of the prostate was left behind, but she was fairly confident we shouldn’t be concerned and that it was probably destroyed during surgery.  It damn well better have been! Ugh, you go to get something removed, you hope they get the whole thing. They let him go early the next day, which proved to be a couple of long days for him in pain, but soon got better.  He did go down for his 3 month post op appointment though and his PSA levels came back at zero, so that is good.  Obviously without a prostate, anything above a zero is bad.  He feels good now, but some of the side effects of having to use the restroom all the time keep him at home. He even missed our family vacation to the cabin and several other get togethers.  The longer this goes on, the more I am beginning to wonder if he is just using this as an excuse to avoid the family get togethers! ;)

This spring the kids really like to ride the go-kart at dad’s house.  They rode it for hours and I could just see you cringing about your lawn being torn up.  There was a race track going all the way around the house. Ha ha  Dad also restored that little Kitty Kat snowmobile that Kal had when he was a little boy, so will got to ride that once before the snow disappeared as well.

 

Just getting in my yearly letter to let you know that we think of you often and that we are doing well.  Writing you these letters helps me heal and get through the anniversary.  When I start writing and going through the memorabilia, I get a good cry in, and then I am good to go. I think you just need it; at least that is how I cope.  Although there were some ups and downs this year, we still have a lot to be grateful for. I hope you are doing well in heaven and enjoying spending time with our friends and family that have gone before us. 

Please continue to watch over us and it would be great if you could show us a sign here and there that you are with us.  I don’t think I had one all year!  I miss those. Not sure if that is your way of saying you know we are O.K. and don’t need those anymore, but they are much appreciated.  I know Sally told me that you visited her again this year.  Obviously we have talked about how we see you as a hummingbird now and again at very appropriate times.  For Sally, it is every time she is going to plant flowers, and only on that day does she see that hummingbird. Last year the hummingbird came right into her garage and flew in front of her for a minute and this year the hummingbird sat looking at her in the window.  Just an FYI, I am going to see Therese Caputo again in October for mine and Jamie’s crazy girls day out and if you could come through, it would be pretty awesome.    

 

Love - Melissa

 

Dear Mom...

Dear Mom….

4 years…

I wasn’t even sure I would write a letter this year.  I looked back
over my letters from the last three years and I still have the same feelings,
so I was feeling at a loss of words.  Not much that I can say, that I haven’t said before.  I was looking through some poems and one jumped out at me about one of the things I miss most about you…the way you cared so much and missed us so much, that you would annoy us by worrying and
calling to make sure we were safe and wondering when we would be home for a
visit.  This seemed fitting:

 She always leaned to watch for us

Anxious if we were late,
In winter by the window,
In summer by the gate.

And though we mocked her tenderly
Who had such foolish care,
The long way home would seem more safe
Because she waited there.

Her thoughts were so full of us,

She never could forget,
And so I think that where she is
She must be watching yet.

 Waiting til we come home to her

Anxious if we are late
Watching from heaven’s window
Leaning from Heaven’s gate

We have missed you so much again this year in our lives.   Our year has been busy and fun, but we sure wish you were here to share it with us.  Since I have written last lots of course has happened.  The first thing that pops into my mind is Christmas.  It was finally St. Mary’s turn to have Christmas Eve mass since you passed.  It was wonderful to have our routine back and to see all the families I knew growing up. Although I mentioned in my three year letter that I didn’t have any moments that I felt you were with me, I believe I did this year.  The psychic said I would have less (I will get to that), but I felt I had more.  The first was on Christmas Eve. 

I have been through the drawers in the bathroom many times when I stay at your house since you have been gone.  I leave things there or use your things after I get out of the shower and get ready.  This particular night I opened one of the drawers to grab a comb and there was a necklace peeking out from under the brush.  I just don’t remember it being there because if I had, I would have put it in your jewelry box.  This necklace was special. Let me back up….Sally had told me about a necklace she had lost several months earlier when she came down to watch mine and Jenny’s kids so we could go out for dinner.  She had described the necklace to me and I said, I think my mom had one just like that! When I saw the necklace in the bathroom drawer, I instantly grabbed it out and smiled.  It was the same necklace Sally had lost.  Turns out, Sally was coming to your house while we were gone to church to be a “special helper”.  Strange I found it the same night?   So I left the necklace in an envelope on the table for her to replace the one she had lost, as I was certain
you wanted her to have it. J

 Over Christmas break Jamie had talked us into having a psychic over to her house as she had heard from a co-worker this woman was good at doing readings.  I love Jamie and the crazy things she gets us in to.  She invited Heather, Tracy and myself as we had all lost someone close to us. I convinced myself before I went, it was not going to be life changing no matter what she said and I would take it with a grain of salt and just have fun with it.  Before she arrived, we were all sitting in Jamie’s living room a little nervous, wondering how this was going to go. I said to the girls, don’t give her any information, just say yes or no and let her give us the information.  I have two types of personality really…part of me gives people the benefit of the doubt.  I always want to think the best of people, that they wouldn’t purposely manipulate someone or cause harm to someone else.  I like to think that I stand up for people when others try and accuse them of something I don’t have proof of.  The other side of me is skeptical of people and I hate being made a fool of.  So I wasn’t going to be easily manipulated.  She didn’t know any of our names except Jamie.  Could she look at
Jamie’s face book page and pick the three out of the three hundred friends she had and study our histories?

 The woman arrived and asked if we had any questions.  She wanted to know if we wanted separate readings or if we wanted to be all together.  Of course we wanted to be all together as we didn’t care what she said, we have been friends forever.  She asked us if we cared who we heard from.  I asked what that meant.  She said that sometimes people want to hear from a specific loved one and sometimes they don’t care who appears.  She said that sometimes spirit guides appear as well.  I asked who spirit guides were and if we knew them.  She said they guide us through life and sometimes we know them and sometimes we don’t.  She said that we should be open and try and
get the most out of the reading.  She said that sometimes people just sit there and just give yes and no answers and it takes much longer for her to get to the point the spirit is trying to relay.  So I threw out the advice I had given to all and decided I would just participate, still not really knowing
what was in store for us.  Since there were no more questions, she got started.

She sat on one side of the room and we sat on the other.  It went Jamie, me, Tracy and then Heather.  I kept seeing her looking above us.  She finally settled on me and said, I am going to start with you because you have a lot of people around you.  I was SO nervous, but not surprised because I truly believe spirits are with us and they knew I would be open to listening. (yet skeptical..lol)  She started with the first person that stepped forward, which was a spirit guide. I later told Rick I believe I had so many spirit guides because I am always forgetting things and getting lost.  Sometimes when you have that little voice in your head that reminds you that you forgot something, I sometimes say thank you out loud..ha ha. Anyway, the spirit guide was holding an open book.  She asked if I was going to be going back to school or had to study for something.  I couldn’t get what it meant, so she moved on. I thought..oh geez, this is going well. Let me talk to someone I know, don’t care about the book!  (On a side note, maybe he was referring to the Caring Bridge entries I wrote as kind of my therapy that I had printed in a book or these letters to you, or maybe I will be an award winning author some day? J)

 It is hard to remember all of my reading, but many people came through including my friend Craig (very unexpected), my great-grandma and my great-great grandma was another one of my spirit guides.  I was nervous because I thought she was only there for an hour and I was using up everyone else’s time, but she read us all for quite a bit of time. The surprising part of the reading for me was that she didn’t just talk to us about our relatives, if in fact she knew who we were, but she told us
things about ourselves that only our closest friends would know.  Example, she talked about how she thinks I can read people well. (I also think this of myself at times)  She said that if someone is talking to me, I can usually tell if they are lying.  We all started laughing, because Heather has been known to do this to me a time or two.  She asked if there was someone I really wanted to talk to because I still had so many around me, that she didn’t want me to be disappointed if they weren’t the next ones to step forward before my time was up.  I said yes, my mother.  She closed her eyes again and said she had found her. She said she didn’t notice her as much as the others because she was standing sideways and her head was looking down.  The psychic said that when she sees eople,
they are normally facing her and when they aren’t it sometimes means they haven’t fully passed over to the other side yet.  That was kind of troubling.

The woman said, oh, she did not want to go did she!  Even in her final moments she was fighting and not accepting it. I looked around the room and my friends all had tears running down their faces.  I teared up, but was trying really hard not to cry.  Again, I can’t remember all that she said but I remember she said she was proud of me and missed us.  I was kind of disappointed mom didn’t mention the kids.  The psychic told us that we needed to talk to her (not at the moment, but later) and tell her we were O.K. and it is O.K. for her to pass.  She said that my great-grandmother was with her, so she thought she was with her family, but hadn’t fully passed over, wasn’t accepting it yet.  She asked if I had any questions and then her eyes focused on Tracy.  She said to her, oh you know this woman also.  She was like a mother to you too.  You could tell her things that sometimes you couldn’t even tell your own mother.  We were all pretty impressed that she knew this. 

 She went on to read Tracy’s mom (and describe a cake Mary made for Tracy for her birthday and described a bedroom in Mary’s house) and several of Tracy’s relatives, as well as Heather
(although she didn’t pick up on that Heather and I were sisters and she had read her mother already, although she did say I had a sister when she read me) and Jamie which she said things to them that amazed me as well.  Almost looking into our souls.  At the end she said she could see we were good people and had good hearts.  While she was reading Tracy and Heather, she would stop at times and come back to me and say, I can see your mother looking at me now, she is facing me, not standing sideways and with her head down. She said that sometimes people pass during the readings. (Dad and I weren’t really buying this one…so what if someone doesn’t ever have a reading,
their loved one never crosses over???)  There was also a child that appeared during the reading that none of could place and we talked about it after the reading was over. Jamie looked at me and said; maybe you are going to be pregnant. I said, bite your tongue!  The psychic popped in and said, no I can see she won’t have any more children, in fact I didn’t see any more children in any of your futures except a slim possibility in yours and looked at Tracy.  We all started laughing as Tracy has twins already and was like, no way! J I wonder what else the psychic saw but didn’t mention like the possibility of us having more children!  After the woman left, we all sat at the kitchen table silent.  I said, you know no one is going to f’n believe us, right?  We were just surprised at how accurate she was at some things she couldn’t have found out.  I did what I said; I didn’t make it
life changing and just enjoyed it. Hoping to do it again in a few years.

The beginning of the year brought sadness as Peggy passed away unexpectedly.  I was really sad about her passing.  Another person gone too soon, and just a really nice person that reminds me so much of my child hood.  No matter where you go, you always remember the people you grew up with. Even if I am not close with half the people I grew up with in Leopolis, I still consider them friends and would do anything to help them. Jeff S. also passed away expectedly way too young.   You gained another two card players with the crew you already have up there.  Heather’s dog Lizzie Lou also got hit by a car.  It was so upsetting to lose her too. I know she was just a dog, but we all loved her.  You never got to meet her; she was born on the day you passed, so today would be her birthday.  Make sure you give her hugs from all of us. 

Lexi still very much remembers you and keeps you in her thoughts. I can’t believe she is going into 7^th grade already.  We have our ups and downs, but so far she is a very good kid and I hope she continues on the right path, hanging with the right people.  Last week we were renting old movies on a rainy day and I suggested My Girl.  It is a sad movie, but I thought she would still like it.  When the movie was over she was saying how sad it was and why didn’t I warn her!  Then a few minutes later she burst into tears saying that the sad movie turned her thoughts to you and can’t kept saying over and over how unfair it was you died.  She just can’t understand why, as no one can.
After we hugged for a bit I told her the anniversary was coming up this week. I said that I usually write you a letter to get all my feelings out and it usually helps thinking maybe she would want to do the same.  Not sure if she ever did or not, if she did she didn’t share it. 

Will is still Will. J  He is going into third grade this year and seems like he will be very outgoing with sports and activities like Lexi.  He played basketball in the winter and then coach pitch baseball this summer until he broke his ankle about a month ago.  He can be a little crazy sometimes too, but he is still my momma’s boy at times and still funny.  A few weeks back he had a follow up appointment in Oshkosh for his ankle.  We were sitting in the room waiting for the doctor to come in and the nurse had taken off his walking boot and wrap.  When she left the room, I told him his boot
was probably starting to smell and he told me to smell it.  I took a sniff at the top and said it wasn’t
bad and then another where his toes went. I practically gagged then and he thought that was the funniest thing ever.  He said, smell it again.  I said, no way!  He said, I triple dog dare you.  I still shook my head no.  He said, well the thing about trip dog dares is…you have to do them!  I just busted out laughing, it sounded so funny. J

Dad is still doing well.  He stays active with the legion, watching the kids and dogs when we need him to, going to the races, etc.  For his birthday this year he said he wanted dumplings and sauerkraut instead of gifts. Although Heather had made them with Grandma before, I had not.  Between the two of us figuring it out, they turned out pretty good.    Speaking of Heather, her and Jim are well too.  Heather has made a lot of positive changes in her life in the last few months and we are all so proud of her for continuing to do so on her own.  We went on our annual family vacation to the cabin in July again and had a nice time.

I think this is the first year I haven’t worked in your flower beds. Usually I got to tend them at least
once during the summer. As the kids get older, the busier we get so I don’t have as much free time.  Somehow though, it doesn’t bother me as it would have the first year.  I know you would understand and I had transplanted some into my flower bed a few years back and watching those grow each year is enough.   

Sally was telling me about a story of an experience with a hummingbird she had when she was planting her flowers.  This isn’t the first year she has experienced the hummingbird, but this time the bird came right into her garage and just sat in front of her for a few seconds, which of course we all believe to be you letting us know you are watching over us.  Lexi and I saw a hummingbird at the
greenhouse when we went flower shopping. I pointed the hummingbird out to Lexi and said I think Grandma is flower shopping with us!  Then Lexi was all concerned because the hummingbird couldn’t seem to find the way out of the greenhouse and kept flying back and forth from one end to the other.  I joked with Lexi saying, yes that definitely is Grandma.  Found her way here and now
can’t find her way back out! J  Of course, I am just joking!

I will close here.  I guess I had more to say than I thought, as usual.  We love and miss you terribly,
especially on these anniversaries.  We continue to do things you would enjoy on these special days to remember you fondly.   Please continue to watch over us.  

If flowers grew in heaven

Lord, then pick a bunch for me.
Then place them in my mother’s arms
And tell her they’re from me.
Tell her that I love and miss her
And when she turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for awhile.

All my love –

Melissa

Dear Mom...

Dear Mom,

Three years….

It is said that time heals all wounds.  We certainly don't forget, but time does in fact help.  It is probably because year after you realize that there isn't a darn thing you can do to change things, so you go on living and appreciate and feel thankful for all your blessings.

We sure do miss you in this wild and crazy place.   I am to the point now in my healing/grieving where I stopped being selfish and feeling bad for myself, but now feel really bad for you that you were taken away while you were so young.  I feel like you are missing watching your grandchildren grow up and the important milestones in their lives and I feel like you were cheated on being able to enjoy your retirement after working your whole life.  On the other hand, I realize it could have been worse and I am thankful that I had a mother while growing up and am thankful for the time we did have.  I don’t want to take a day for granted and waste it. I want to enjoy the time I have with my family and friends and I am thankful that I am healthy and able to do just that.  Tomorrow isn't promised and there are so many people like you that would have given anything for another day, that they would be disappointed in the people wasting them.

I still get to steal a few moments here and there for that pity party, to grieve when the memories (bad and good) come back, but I get it out and I move on because no matter what choice I make about letting it consume me or moving on, it won’t bring you back, so I choose to enjoy life.  You certainly wouldn't want it to consume me.  The world is so full of horrible, horrible things going on that I am thankful for the blessings in my life no matter how simple.

The hardest memories come and go and aren't as frequent as the first two years and are usually brought on by a "trigger".  Example, I was driving on 47 to meet Dad in Shawano this fall to pick out new furniture.  One by one, things seem to need to be replaced at your house, so he is getting to do a little shopping. J  First it was his laptop.  Then while we were out looking at a laptop, we started looking at furniture because that one end of your couch had broken when the two of you moved it and was getting worse.  We shopped at a few stores in Appleton, and then on a Monday I met him in Shawano to look at a store there.  Since the only time I really traveled that highway was when I was driving up for one of your appointments, it tends to be a trigger spot. 

The memories come back like watching a movie in fast forward and certain spots screech to a halt and then it starts in fast forward again, screeches to a halt and then repeats over and over.  They are never usually the same memories, but always a memory of the eight months you were sick.  Dr’s Office at first appointment: I’m sorry folks I don’t have good news for you today…(fast forward)..watching you cry as we take down the Christmas tree at your house as you don’t yet know your fate and fear the worst..(fast forward)....endless treatments and seeing you bald for the first time..(fast forward)…being told you are in remission, watching your mom and aunt cry in relief..(fast forward)..getting results back just weeks later it is back and terminal…(fast forward)..taking a shopping trip together and sneaking a trip to the casino..(fast forward)…holding your hand while you sleep on your last night before you pass…(fast forward)…watching my son cry for his Grandma while she is loaded in a hearse because he can’t understand where they are taking her.  Although hard memories that make me tear up every time, they are nonetheless memories of a time we made the most of.  I hated watching you die, but I am thankful we knew and got to say good-bye and I would do it all over again. 

Of course the kids still miss you too.  We try and watch videos at least once or twice during the year (it is usually Will’s request to watch home movies).  Lexi, being the oldest, remembers more of course and it affected her a few times throughout the year.  The first I can remember was that she was hanging out with her good friend Alec in March and they were going through some shells he had saved and it got them thinking and remembering about their special times with you and Sally.  Later that night when she got home she told me about the shells and the memories and then cried for a little while.  I told her the story I always tell her when she is sad and that is, “Do you know what Grandma’s biggest fear was?” “When she was told she was going to die, she barely said a word.  I told Grandma I was sorry and hugged her and said you are really quiet, what are you thinking?  Grandma said that she was scared you wouldn’t remember her and broke down into tears.  I promised her you would remember and although it makes me sad that you are sad, it means you remember.”  Explaining that usually makes her feel better. The second time I can remember her being sad was just this spring. We were getting ready for school and I could hear her sobbing so loudly upstairs.  I went up and asked her what the matter was and she said that was looking at the pictures on the wall of the two of you and she just really missed you.  L   Again, hurts me that she is sad, but glad she is remembering. 

She reminds me of you, you would be proud.  I took her to Steins one day to get something this spring and they had out all of their summer stuff, (bird baths, water fountains, statues, flowers, etc.) and she was having the time of her life in there.  I think she could have stayed two hours just looking at everything and playing in the water fountains.  I told her, “You and Grandma Jeannie would have been two peas in a pod in this store!” She also doesn't mind flower shopping and appreciates a pretty annual. ;) She made it into the finals of the spelling bee this year and took a silver coin you had given her with “granddaughter” inscribed on it to keep in her pocket for luck.

  

For her 5th grade graduation, she also set out a necklace that you two shared and your "Jeannie" bracelet we wear to remember you.   I thought that was so sweet, so she really does remember and miss you during these milestones.  Luckily she has three awesome grandparents left love and support her as much as you did.

 Mine and Lexi’s relationship is also starting to remind me of you and I when I was younger.  She is starting to get embarrassed really easily too.  When were at Six Flags and it was getting really hot.  We went into the bathroom and she was in the stall next to mine.  She was already mad because I had asked her a different personal question and then I said out loud (as we are in different stalls), do you need to put on new deodorant at all? (not that she needed it, just thought I would ask as I saw it in my purse and it was getting hot) I hear from the other stall in a loud whisper said really fast…O..MY…GOD. I could just picture her putting her hand on her forehead and shaking her head.  I had to laugh out loud, didn’t even realize I said something that would embarrass her….and now I have become you.  Man, how I hated it when you did things like that. Lol

Those are the types of days I miss you the most, to call and share stories like that or other big events like her shaving her legs for the first time or getting braces this last week or how she got her first phone for her birthday.  Not to mention MIDDLE SCHOOL!  A whole school filled with 500 sixth graders this year.  Can’t wait to see what this year brings.

I think Will has a harder time remembering as he gets older since he was so young when you passed.  When I ask him about his favorite memories of you though he instantly gets a smile on his face and talks about whatever comes to his mind at the time.   For some reason he had a hard time this year in first grade and went through a rough patch.  He was having some anxieties over certain people and issues and was making himself sick and having to come home from school. It took awhile, but things seemed to get better as the year went on.  There were times though that I would hear from the kid’s friends that they had seen him upset and he wouldn't tell us, just try to carry the burden on his own, which made me feel so bad he wasn't always telling us when he was scared. Hoping when he starts school next month he will have a better year.

Otherwise he is doing great and enjoying his summer.  He is at the same camp as Lexi this year and just like in school, seems to be a favorite of his counselors.  You know him, hell on wheels at home, but quite the rule follower at camp and school. ;) Still loving his superheros and thankfully still a mamma's boy. :)

We had our first family photo taken for church. That was definitely felt odd not having you in the photo.  I know we had to do it sooner or later and they turned out very nice.

There were a few times over the course of the first two years you were gone that I felt I had little signs from you to let me know you were O.K.  Although I try to will them, I haven’t had any of those this year.  I try to tell myself that maybe it is your way of saying that I don’t need the signs, that you feel I am strong enough now.

I see you in myself ...sometimes when I look in the mirror I see you in my face, I see you in my hands as ours look very similar, and in my handwriting.  We remember you on special days by doing some of your favorite things and making annual traditions out of them.  On Mother’s Day or around that time, I try to do my flower shopping.  The last two years I have gone with my friends Tammy and Jenny for a girl’s day.  Of course just like you with Sally and Loni, I came home with the most flowers. ha ha  On your birthday we get a Hot Ham’n Cheese and drink a Sun Drop and at Christmas we still put up the tree you used to decorate with Lexi. 

I see I this is getting pretty lengthy again, so I will close here.  Writing these letters, just like when I wrote updates on Caring Bridge is my therapy and always makes me feel better after I finish.  Just know we love and miss you.  Please continue to watch over us and keep us all safe.

Love - Melissa

Last year's letter.
http://www.melissaradies.blogspot.com/2012/08/dear-mom.html

  

Happy 11th Birthday Lexi!

Happy Birthday to you...

Happy Birthday to you...

Happy Birthday Dear Lexi...

Happy Birthday to you!!!

Happy Birthday to our Lexi Jean.  Her birthday is falling on the last day of school and she is celebrating by having seven of her closest friends over for a camp-out in the back yard.  What we didn't expect?  The weather forecast to not only have rain in the forecast, but also a high of 58 degrees. :(  So she postponed the party for a day hoping it would warm up.  Which it is supposed to, to 60 degrees.  Guess it will be a camp-out in the livingroom. We can only hope for no rain so they can still have a camp fire.

 

We are so proud of you and the young lady you are becoming.  Happy 11th Birthday, we hope you enjoy your day!

Love - Mom, Dad and Will 

Happy Birthday Mom!

Happy Birthday to my mom today, our guardian angel.

Love and miss you!

Love - Melissa, Rick, Lexi, Will and Miley :)

Will's Batman Bedroom - Boys Batman Bedroom

Over Christmas break (yes, I am behind on blogging), we took Will's room from being a bear themed camping room to his favorite hero, Batman.  I think it turned out pretty cool if I do say so myself. ;)

Rick and Lexi taking out the last of the furniture in his room.

 Will anxious to get started!

 Will wearing one of the stickers that was on his wall.  lol

 Will wanted to have his walls blue.  I thought it might be a bit much, so Rick suggested doing the upper part of the walls in a silver color and the bottom in blue, tying the two together with a dark grey color. I was really happy with that!  We are not big fans of painting, so doing three colors in one room was a HUGE undertaking for us. The painting isn't so bad...it is the stupid taping!

 Two colors down, one to go!

 We are lucky we are still married after trying to tape this stripe on all four walls...good grief!

 We worked late one night in the bedroom, so Will wanted to camp out in his empty room while we worked.

 Third color is on!

 The finished product! 

 Grandma and Grandpa brought this sign back from Vegas.  It was perfect. :)

 Some of Will's figurines on display.

 Love the coat rack some of my friends help me make. 

Has his Batman costume ready to go at a moments notice!

 Yes, he even has Batman shoes. :)

 Huge Batman Fathead

 Batman toys on display...

 Batman lava lamp he got for Christmas...

 New bean bag chair and Batmonk. :)

Now on to Lexi's room....I think I will hire someone to paint. :)